Narc Shunning vs. No Contact

Narc Shunning and No Contact
might look a lot alike,
but there’s a big difference.

no contact, shunning, narcissism, narcissistic abuse, narcissist, littleredsurvivor.com

While narc shunning and no contact might look the same, they happen for entirely different reasons depending on the motivation of the person who does it. While narc shunning is an act of manipulation by the narcissist, no contact is an act of self-preservation by the survivor.

Abusers use tactics of reward and punishment to manipulate and control their victims. Thus shunning is a form of punishment with the hope the narcissist can gain access to the survivor again when the narc hoovers back to suck them in. Because the narcissist uses the empathy of the survivor to abuse them and wreaks a damaging cycle in their life, sometimes the only safe thing a survivor can do is go no contact.

Some people question if going no contact is just refusing to forgive or holding a grudge, but it’s neither. The difference between forgiveness and reconciliation is that forgiveness only requires one person, while reconciliation requires two. You can forgive someone without them being in your life, but reconciliation takes a commitment from both parties to continue a healthy relationship.

No contact means the narcissist causes more harm and chaos to the survivor’s life than they can handle for their health. When a survivor goes no contact, it usually happens because the survivor has lost hope of any reconciliation with the narcissist.

Both of these situations are painful for the survivor. For one thing they are usually shunned by more than the narcissist. This is because the narc thinks of relationships as a game and tries to win as many people as pawns to the narc’s side as possible. It hurts the survivor to be shunned by their entire family or social group.

No contact is also painful as shunning–even though the survivor has made the choice. It takes deep introspection to decide if it’s worth it in some cases, while in others no contact is a basic act of survival because the survivor is in danger. Either way the survivor will feel alone.

If you are new to going no contact, it’s important to find healthy people and kindred spirits to keep your time and mind occupied. The greatest danger of either going no contact or being shunned is the survivor might get lonely and go back to their abuser, so having support is vital for good mental health.

Here are some differences between Narc Shunning and No Contact

Narc Shunning is an offensive move by the narcissist to control the survivor
No Contact is a defensive move to protect boundaries of the survivor

Narc Shunning happens when the narcissist can’t get any more narc feed
No Contact happens when the survivor decides to stop feeding the narc

Narc Shunning is done by an enraged narcissist to get revenge
No Contact happens when a survivor refuses to be abused

Narc Shunning includes the narc asking people to shun the survivor
No Contact is the survivor setting personal boundaries

Narc Shunning is manipulation by the narcissist
No Contact is the survivor simply saying no to the narc’s manipulation

Narc Shunning is dishonest because the narcissist doesn’t mean to stay away
No Contact is the survivor walking away for good

Narc Shunning is the narcissist showing the survivor disrespect
No Contact is the survivor honoring respect for herself

Narc Shunning is all out war by the narcissist to control the survivor
No Contact is a white flag of surrender by giving up on the relationship

Narc Shunning is a form of slavery for both the narcissist and survivor
No Contact is a form of freedom to release the narcissist from her abuser

 

6 comments

  1. My narcissistic Mother shunned me after I asked her to stop speaking so negatively about my adult children, Grand Children and my Husband . She blew up at me and told me I didn’t know what I was talking about, and that I owed her for all she’s done for us so how dare I dis-agree with her. I then told her since she was keeping track of everything, that I wasn’t taking her on any more country music trips ( as I so Naively thought I was doing it for her and honoring her by taking her places she couldn’t drive to on her own), then I walked out on her.
    I’ve messaged her several times to ask her to talk, but she never answers back. She told my Sister that everything was my fault and how dare I tell her she is negative,and everything is my fault.
    I’ve been no contact for about 2 months and I struggle with if I should let her know that I forgive her ?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Debbie,

    My heart goes out to you! I think you are dealing with a narcissistic person and they are not interested in how they hurt us. They only care about their needs being met. It’s rough, I know. But the sooner we can find a new outlet for our love and let go of the toxic people the sooner we cna heal. I wish it wasn’t so, but all relationships are a two-way street. Wait and see what she does,but guard your heart, friend! You are worthy of better treatment than this.

    Peace and freedom to you!

    Cherilyn

    Like

  3. Thank you for Cherilyn for your reassuring words of wisdom. I don’t know why I seem to keep needing reassurance, but it sure helps to hear from someone who has been here. I will keep praying, while I wait
    on God’s time. Thanks so much.

    Liked by 1 person

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